Meadowhall has just about every sort of retail outlet you could ask for from the cheap, nick-nacky trinkets that appeal whilst in the shop but then simply gather dust when the novelty wears off, to expensive shops where my nan buys hats for weddings. Because of this diversity Meadowhall attracts a wide array of people and it attracts them in numbers not unlike those of wildebeest during the migration.
This last trip to Meadowhall bothered me. Well, it was the people that bothered me, and when I say 'people', I'm probably being kind. I find it rather ironic that when gathered together in large numbers people seem to entirely forget there is anyone else around but ourselves. We stop in the aisles and walkways to gawp through glass partitions at expensive TVs and marvel at that dress in Jane Morgan that looks spectacular on the mannequin but will inevitably be somewhat of a disappointment when you try it on for the first time (always look at the BACK of a mannequin - full of pins. Cheats!!). Have some consideration for the other shoppers who don't necessarily want to shadow you from the entrance to the Oasis (food court for those who haven't been before).
I've decided to compile a list of suggestions for both the mall-bound masses and 'the powers that be' at Meadowhall. I'd like to stress that I am 100% serious too by the way. This isn't a joke. I mean it.
Really. I'm not kidding.
Suggestion 1: Lanes
I think a lane system separating the elderly, the infirm, the toddlers with parents and anyone else that walks at a fraction of the pace of the rest of the known world would be a huge benefit to all concerned. If you're one of the slow ones I'm sure it's frustrating being hurried up and pushed out of the way. If you're one of the normally-geared folk and you don't wish to spend a full day in Meadowhall, or you happen to be in a rush (which if you work at Meadowhall you will be - it takes nearly all of your lunch break just to get to some food, let alone eat it, relax and have some time to yourself!) then you will have your own express lane in which to speed-walk from place to place. You can sail on by at a proper pace whilst the 'slowies' continue to polish the floor (for free!) with their shuffling.
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| Image: D Ritter |
Suggestion 2: Targeted Opening
If the idea of having lanes doesn't sit well with the decision makers, then perhaps Meadowhall could open solely for the dawdlers. Close it to everyone else, on a Tuesday perhaps, so the old folk, the couples with toddlers (why you feel the need to all hold hands and span the entire aisle I'll never know!!), the confused and the indecisive can shlep about annoying only each other. I'm flexible as to which day you pick. I'm not a tyrant.
Suggestion 3: Ageism
Deny entry to anyone over the age of 70 during the weekends. You're 70, you probably aren't doing much during the week, so do your shopping when the rest of the working population are busy, at work. After 8 hours in an office it is likely that people are impolite, impatient and ever-so slightly less respectful to the elderly than they would be if they hadn't just spent a full day being bossed about in a poorly air-conditioned office they have to share with people they more than likely despise. It really is best for everybody.
Suggestion 4: Entrance Fee
Charge £1.00 for every human soul that crosses the threshold. Meadowhall reportedly has over 30 million visitors per year (95% of whom appear to all turn up in the last three weeks of December, idiots), that translates to quite a substantial sum of money. Using it to fix the leaking windows, or get Hollister some higher wattage bulbs. Better yet, because it isn't even Meadowhall's money, why not just give it to charity! It's the right thing to do. You know it is.
Suggestion 5: EDP's (Escalator Disembarkation Prompter)
When I travel on an escalator (going up or down, it makes no difference) I'm fully aware that if I suddenly stop at the end of the moving staircase there are people behind me being driven ever closer to me and if I don't move people will eventually collide with me. This is why I don't stop at the end of an escalator. I would have thought this was common sense. Unfortunately this is lost on a handful of 'people' who turn up at Meadowhall during the weekend. My suggestion is a pressure plate of some sort at each end of the escalator that administers an electric shock if it detects constant pressure for more than 2 seconds. It wouldn't be a dangerously high jolt, but it would most certainly be painful. People have to learn!
If you're concerned about the slow people who for whatever reason can't move very quickly and would be unfairly zapped, don't worry, if suggestion 2 is adopted we can turn it off and let them sort themselves out.
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| Image: Zoli Plosz |
And that's it. They are my suggestions. I may seem slightly grumpy, but believe me when I say this is not directed at Meadowhall itself. The hundreds, probably thousands of staff that keep the place running smoothly are on the whole very nice and competent people. You're great, keep it up. In fact, take 5% of that £30 million and consider it your Christmas bonus, you deserve it.
Seriously. I mean it.
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